I Love You Not 

I love you
Not
I love you 
Not
I love you
Not
I love you
Yes
I love you
Christmas tree

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“Give it to God and Go to Sleep” 

I love hearing the phrase  Give it to God and go to sleep because it teaches me to let go and let God take control of my life. 

The phrase is also a reminder that God is our creator and thus, He is the one who has the power to make changes according to His will. 

Each of us carries our own “cross.” The word “cross” in this context means problem, worry, or illness. The more problem we have, the heavier our “cross” are. We could try so much, but at the end, we have to let God carry half of or perhaps the entire cross for us. The process of letting God to take control is tough because it demands us to fully trust God. It is easier for us to memorize Our Father prayer than to allow God to guide us.  

Little do we know that God could and will do amazing thing for us when we fully surrender to Him. 

So, will you give your “cross” to God and let Him handle it on behalf of you? 

On My Way to London 

This is the third part of the fictional stories of Gray Cloud and Sonny Sunshine. All names here are fictive.Both the first and second parts of the stories could be accessed on this blog

Sonny Sunshine couldn’t believe what he has just heard on the phone. Gray is off to London for 6 months to interview and photograph families of children with serious medical illnesses. This girl always does something unthinkable. He never imagined that Gray would dare to leave him for this project. Sonny had a long day at work, but this one is the hardest of them all. He sighed, put down his phone and recalled the first time they met. 

It was Sunday night in April when he met Gray at the church. They sat on the same row and apparently their cars were also parked next to each other. Gray had a flat tire that night and Sonny helped her by calling his friend, who owns car service, to come and fix Gray’s tire. They exchanged business cards and two days later Gray called him and offered to treat him lunch as a way to say thank you. Gray who worked in the non-profit foundation at that time invited him to her foundation’s social events on monthly basis. Sometimes, Sonny felt tired of responding to her invitations, but he did not want to sound unfriendly to her. Checking on Gray’s LinkedIn profile, she indeed is a smart woman with long lists of achievement. He noticed that Gray liked him just by looking at the way she was staring at him. This was not the first time he had female friends who grew fond of him, but Gray definitely was not his preferred one. Sonny decided to ignore her invitations and chats, though it did not last long

Gray found so many excuses to keep in touch with Sonny. He wondered why this girl did not leave him alone. He knew at least some legitimate guys laid eyes on her, but she just ignored them. Sonny wanted to trade space with some of those guys. He deliberately screwed up things and acted somewhat childish to make Gray giving up on him. Unfortunately, all of those tactics did not work

It was not until he changed to a new phone and open his unused LINE account that he learned Gray has been leaving him thousand unread notes addressed to him on her timeline. He seldom opened LINE and so he did not know that LINE users could customize their timeline’s audience. He read those notes from bottom to top and spent the whole day to read everything. The last note was written 6 months ago from the date he read it. The note stated that Gray asked for his prayer as she was heading to hospital.

Sonny thought long and hard. He could not understand why Gray did this to him. Who would write thousand of notes online and did not tell the intended recipient about those notes???? He shook his head again in disbelief as he skimmed through his LINE

Sonny’s attitude toward Gray changed since then. He was more genuine and nicer to her than before. He slowly showed Gray his true behaviors not the fake ones. Gray never wrote on LINE again, but she did not bother Sonny as often as she used to be. This made Sonny felt weird because he has been used to be annoyed by Gray’s endless excuses and invitations. He wondered if he slowly became interested in her. No way, he thought. 


Once he learned about Gray’s conditions, Sonny accompanied Gray to almost every doctor’ or lab’s appointment. They both knew the lump was not cancerous cell but they knew it could change at any moment. Understanding the fact that it could become a cancer made Gray feeling down. Life was hard both for Sonny and Gray during those time periods because Sonny had to go back and forth between two cities to care for Gray’s health. His contractor’s job required him to travel and check construction sites. Likewise, Gray could sense how Sonny became irritated and overwhelmed with these changes. He tried to make up the time he was away, but perhaps he was too tired that Gray knew he treated her as if she was his “construction job” that needed to be supervised

The week Gray decided to take the project in London, Sonny was out of town. He is usually gone for 4 days and stay with Gray for 3 days. This pattern has been going on for a few years. He never left Gray longer than a week, but this time he had to complete this final touch of his construction work. Gray used to call him everyday before she found out her condition. Now, it’s Sonny’s turn. He usually checks on her 3x in a day when he is out of town, and when he is in town, he will come over and cook dinner for her

Sonny’s faraway thought is stopped when he hears his phone is beeping. He grabs his phone from desk and sees that Gray is sending him a message. She wrote “Hey, I arrived in London. We rent a house in suburb area. There are 2 other students who are in this project. I am going to change my number. I will send you my new number along with the address. Take care!”  

Sonny was browsing on the travel website as he read Gray’s message. He searched for outbound flights to London. Five minutes later, he secured his reservation. He booked one way flight from Singapore to London. His flight is two days from now. He could see the Singapore flyer from his window. Pretty night, he thought, but it was meaningless without Gray. There is a smile on his face. This time is a genuine warm smile. Gray’s birthday is on August 18. He wants to be there to surprise her. He needs a vacation anyway, and London is just perfect for him. 

When Yellow Doesn’t Want to Look Mellow

I like to call my friend, Yellow, Yellow Mellow, because she is very emotional person. She will cry for tiny little things, such as when she gets a gift from her boyfriend.

This morning Yellow called and told me that she didn’t want to look and act mellow again. She asked me to come early today and wait for her at the school’s gate. I was speechless when I heard this. 

I waited for her outside the school’s gate. I saw her in a pink dress along with pink shoes and pink hair clips walking toward me. She even wore a pink lipstick and said “Hiiii” to everyone she passed by.  

Whoa!! 

Yellow approached me and kissed my right cheek. This was new, too.. She never kissed my cheek..

I blurted, “Hey, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, how do I look?” She twirled her hair and shook her pink dress in front of me.

“Err… Don’t you think this is too much?” 

She grinned and said “Nope.”

I asked, “Why do you suddenly don’t want to look mellow? It’s part of your personality….” 

Yellow sighed and said in teary eyes, “I searched for a part-time job last week. I saw an opening in the event production, and one of the requirements was that they look for a cheerful and energetic person. So, I thought I needed to get a complete makeover..”

I told Yellow that she should apply for that job despite of her mellow personality. The company is looking for qualities not outside appearance. I told her as long as she didn’t watch Korean drama series at work, she would be fine and no one would ever noticed her mellow personalities. Yellow laughed when she heard my comment. She cleaned her make up before entering classroom. Yellow is now back to her real self. She is a very talented person, but she doesn’t acknowledge it. Ever since then, I no longer call her Yellow Mellow because I don’t want her to think that having mellow personality is bad. You could be both smart and mellow at the same time. Instead, I call her Yellow Melon. Her nickname for me is Lemon Lemonade. When I asked her why, she said she likes how those two words sounded together. 

Something about Nightmare 

Have you ever had a nightmare and you wish you didn’t have it on the first place? I hate the kind of nightmare where I am involuntary separated from someone special in that dream. I don’t like hearing the word “death,” too, because I am not ready losing people who are close to me. So, a nightmare that is about one’s death is definitely not my preferred dream. 

I am told that everybody including me would die. Death is a part of the natural human’s life cycle. I should not be scared, right? But, it’s hard to not feel scared and worried. 

The nightmare kept me awake all night. It makes me feel nervous the next day because I am afraid what if the nightmare turns real. I am just not ready to be separated from someone who means the world to me. I am hoping to get answers. 

This morning, I sat on the church. The sermon talked how God loves us more than a mother loves her baby. The priest also told us to not be worry because God is merciful. And so, it came to my understanding that God owns our life, and He loves us dearly. Losing someone due to death is a sad thing, but it will not be a forever sad. Good thing will come up, like rainbow after rain. Don’t think it too hard, but knowing that it will happen and when it happens, God will make it beautiful in His ways. 

To Have and Not To Have Wishes

Christmas is rather unique this year.

It’s the first year I celebrate holiday party with children and parents at our school. 

It was a small celebration and turned out ok.

I hope to have more holiday parties with the children in the next coming years.

I hope to bring in more children and more activities to the party. 

Now that holiday party is finished, I have no specific wish for Santa. 

I truly believe that Santa Claus and God know exactly what I want and what I need. 

My longing to travel and explore other countries is still there.

My longing to go back to faraway land is still there, too.

The only difference this year, I need to build this school and care for the children. 

Wait, I do have specific wishes. I just don’t want to say my wishes out loud. 

What do you wish for Christmas?