Have you ever had a nightmare and you wish you didn’t have it on the first place? I hate the kind of nightmare where I am involuntary separated from someone special in that dream. I don’t like hearing the word “death,” too, because I am not ready losing people who are close to me. So, a nightmare that is about one’s death is definitely not my preferred dream.
I am told that everybody including me would die. Death is a part of the natural human’s life cycle. I should not be scared, right? But, it’s hard to not feel scared and worried.
The nightmare kept me awake all night. It makes me feel nervous the next day because I am afraid what if the nightmare turns real. I am just not ready to be separated from someone who means the world to me. I am hoping to get answers.
This morning, I sat on the church. The sermon talked how God loves us more than a mother loves her baby. The priest also told us to not be worry because God is merciful. And so, it came to my understanding that God owns our life, and He loves us dearly. Losing someone due to death is a sad thing, but it will not be a forever sad. Good thing will come up, like rainbow after rain. Don’t think it too hard, but knowing that it will happen and when it happens, God will make it beautiful in His ways.
Christmas is rather unique this year.
It’s the first year I celebrate holiday party with children and parents at our school.
It was a small celebration and turned out ok.
I hope to have more holiday parties with the children in the next coming years.
I hope to bring in more children and more activities to the party.
Now that holiday party is finished, I have no specific wish for Santa.
I truly believe that Santa Claus and God know exactly what I want and what I need.
My longing to travel and explore other countries is still there.
My longing to go back to faraway land is still there, too.
The only difference this year, I need to build this school and care for the children.
Wait, I do have specific wishes. I just don’t want to say my wishes out loud.
What do you wish for Christmas?
I was in the lowest state of my life. I could feel each part of my body fell on the ground piece by piece.
But, God is merciful. He thought it was too early for me to give up.
He picked up a broom, swiped and put me on His working desk.
He used glue to assemble me until I became one again.
He then said, “You will resume your work. Have no fear because this glue won’t let you broken into pieces.”
Go for the distance my child!
I am bored and mad.
I need some enlightenment.
I search for one.
I look everywhere, nothing.
Then, I see You standing at the end of the bridge.
I can’t see Your face because it’s so bright.
I almost think You are a street light.
You say, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
I come to You.
I am still bored and occasionally angry to myself, but when I do, I remember Your words, and it gives me peace.
Thank you for being my source of light!
This morning I read a story about a girl who refused to give her fake pearl necklace to her dad because she loved that necklace and felt that she worked hard to earn it. The story is ended with her finally giving that necklace to her dad and to her surprise, her dad already prepared a new real pearl necklace for her. Furthermore, the author also reminded readers the importance of letting go everything that is fake because God has prepared something good for us.
Just like that girl with a fake pearl necklace, I have a baggage that is full with things and/or people who simply are not worth to be considered or pursued. I insist to keep this heavy baggage which cause it hard for me to walk fast.
The girl in the story preferred to lose other items, but not this fake necklace. Similarly, I give myself lots of excuse to let go certain things and people because I am afraid that I won’t be able to get back to the state where I’ve always thought it was a precious time. This fear hinders me from seeing and understanding perhaps that time wasn’t really precious. Greater thing is waiting in front of me.
The girl suspected something was off because her dad asked her twice about that necklace. So, the next day when her dad approached her, she immediately gave that necklace to her dad. She was shocked when in return, her dad gave her a new necklace and this time a real pearl. While it did not take that long for the girl to realize, it took a while for me to slowly throw unnecessary things and/or people out from my luggage. I should have pick the cue fast, but I did not. Time, new people who live around me, my family, and other people’s stories have been helping me to pick the cues and connect the dots.
The girl gets a new pearl necklace. Meanwhile, I learn to sort unnecessary stuff and use the available resources to make a brand new luggage. Bigger and stronger luggage. It won’t fall apart when someone throws it. It won’t break, although a thief tries to open it.
I hope you are able to throw or bid farewell to things/persons/ habits that are fake and unhealthy to you. I understand it’s not easy, but I encourage you to try.
We went to the same school until 9th grade and were in the same class several times. He moved to another school, while I remained in the same school until graduation. We did not meet each other again until school reunion dinner in 2012. We exchanged contact number, but did not have any follow up conversations until 2 years later.
I left US for good in 2014. Not long after I settled, he sent me a message because he wanted to refer a family to see me. He was a doctor working in the maternity hospital at that time. I am, on the other hand, a teacher/ counselor, you name it.
Since that time, we began to chat, occasionally ate and watched movies together. Our conversation was mostly and strictly around his work, my work, and his plan for medical school. He sometimes asked whether I planned to go back to the States. I told him yes. Maybe I should not say anything, but the truth I did want to go back to the States at some point.
I was busy doing my thing, while he was busy preparing for his advanced medical degree, up to the point we didn’t talk again. I kept telling myself if I could see him again 2 years after that reunion dinner, I perhaps could see him again once he is done with his medical school. On another note, I want him to get that degree and practice as an ob/gyn, so it’s better to not bother him while I am not sure with myself. If we are meant to each other, we shall meet again regardless the distance between us. I was told if you really love someone, you should be able to set that person free to achieve whatever he/she wants to achieve. That person will come back to you or vice versa.