Us and Kids, We are Family

Asking a child to choose a mom over a dad or vice versa is like asking someone whether he needs to breathe or not. The child may struggle to answer this type of question because he/she wants both. Similarly, parent could not tell the child something like, “You stay with Dad and I take your brother/sister,” because the child does not want to be separated from his/her siblings. It is understandable that parents face daily challenges, and there are times family life is just tough. Sometimes and perhaps often, children are suffered the most due to tough family life situations, such as divorce, infidelity, poverty, etc. However, it is unwise to put children in difficult position while you as a parent knows that the problem could be solved between husband and wife. 

Parenting and marriage are two different topics but are interconnected. When you decide to commit in a marriage, you should aim both for happy marriage and successful parenting. These two topics must be discussed seriously before you say “I do” and after you both say “I do.” It is also important to practice being unselfish because once the child is present in the family, roles and lifestyles need to be adjusted.  

I’ve always believed that it is a privilege to be a parent. If you are a parent, I want you to know how precious your job is. Not everyone could become a parent. Some people struggle to have children. Some people either too sick or too old to conceive a child. So, if you are a parent, I want you to treasure your journey. Raising children is exhausted, but it is rewarding. Your children will always remember the time you have spent together because memory is irreplaceable. Therefore, even if a family life is under “turbulence” tries at your best to control the situation in the peaceful way so that they will not get traumatized due to that event. Family is the first and foremost child’s life experience. It shapes child’s personalities which will continue to grow as the child gets older. Family life and every little experience in the family influence how the child sees the world and him/herself. All of these become a foundation in the child’s overall social and emotional development. When the foundation is healthy and solid, the child will grow healthy and thus could become a responsible citizen. 

Will you do it? 

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What is your ideal spouse? 

When I was young, I wanted to marry a prince charming.

When I was 15, I said I wanted to marry an architect because he could build me a nice house.

When I was 19, I wanted to marry a guy with a job and stable income.

When I was 25, I wanted to marry a guy with a job, stable income, but also someone who would travel near and far with me. 

Now, I simply want to live with reliable and financially stable guy who share similar passion and dream. 

The list could go on and on. The ideal spouse is the one who could adapt to various life-challenging situations and still love you just the way you are.

Bridge in Marriage Relationship: How solid is your bridge? 

To say “I love you,” one must learn to say “I am sorry” first. It’s difficult to say “sorry” when you feel that you are not doing anything wrong, but learning to say “sorry” though perhaps you are not 100% wrong, could save your relationship. Saying “sorry” first doesn’t mean you are weak, instead, it gives you and your spouse a chance to talk about the issues. The likelihood of both of you to have more fights about the same issues is high, if you don’t resolve these issues now. 

Of course, the best time to talk with your spouse is when both of you are not angry. Talking about the issues is the most important step of this conflict-resolution process. It is recommended to do this, as soon as the conflict/fight is over. 

People say having differences in a committed relationship is good because this means couple could complete one another. While I personally think this theory sounds true, I also believe that couple needs to have a solid “bridge” to connect their differences. Furthermore, this “bridge” should contain same goal, value, and faith in order to mend the differences. Goal refers to what you and your spouse want to achieve now and in the long run. Value refers to anything that you and your spouse think is important, for example, family time, education, stable job/career, etc. Faith refers to religious practice, for instance, are you and your spouse practice the same religion? Do any of you question the presence of God? Always look back on the foundation of this bridge when the differences in the relationship are getting wider. 

Fight or conflict in the relationship is unavoidable, but just like what marriage counselors often told us, this conflict could be solved together in the peaceful way. Couple need to practice how to express their thoughts and concerns clearly and politely. They also need to think about their “bridge” in their relationship when they are in the process of solving their issues. 

Marriage Race: and the winner is…… 

Marriage is neither a competition nor a first-come first-served. No need to rush to get married even if all your friends are already married or getting married soon. 

No need to worry when people ask why you are still single. 

Marriage is a sacred union and is meant for a lifetime. 

Take your time and choose wisely. Choose someone who could bring out the best in you and will not walk away when both of you face difficulties. 

    
p.s. This picture is also posted on Instagram @1001diarycollections 

10 advices for couples and married couples: Steps to healthy relationships 

Advices for those who are currently in serious and/or marriage relationship :

1. Refrain yourself from getting into physical and emotional abuse. If you know that your fiancé has a temper issue or any mental health issues, think and plan carefully before getting married. If you are already in the marriage relationship, seek for professional help to treat the core issues, e.g., marital counseling, family therapy. 

2. At any point in your life, you should not commit adultery and/or engage in any unfaithful behaviors. Being faithful to your spouse is a good example for your children. It’s also good for your everyday relationship with your friends and coworkers. 

3. You must learn to forgive each other and commit to your words or vows. Hatred could damage your physical and emotional health. 

4. Before you declare a divorce or separation, think about the long term effects of getting divorce. Children? Relatives? Work? 

5. Don’t fight in front of your children. Don’t let your children watch or hear your fight because it could lead to mental trauma for them. Fighting or getting into argument sometimes is unavoidable, but it is best to not do it around children. Solve the problem immediately and move on. 

6. Whenever possible, try to have a family vacation once a year or on periodic. Get out of normal routine, relax and spend time with your spouse and children. 

7. No matter how busy you are, try to have at least one family dinner/breakfast together. It’s good for everyone especially for children. 

8. Say “no” to gambling, drugs, and excessive alcohols because all of these could affect your relationship with your family and cause damage to your family income. 

9. Ask for professional help e.g., psychologists, family social workers, pastors, or psychiatrists when you deal with serious mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety, caring for children with special needs. 

10. Meditate or have a quiet moment for reflection. Do it either in the morning or at night. Use this moment to think through and evaluate your behaviors or actions. Did I do well today? What am I going to do tomorrow? What are some other solutions for this matter? 

Our surroundings will be so much peaceful if each of us could practice these 10 advices. 

  

A letter to my future husband 

Dear my future husband,
I don’t know how you look, but I think you have a decent appearance. The wise said look at the inner beauty, not the outer beauty. 
I don’t know when and where I will meet you, but I know when the time is right we shall meet. I know that for sure. 

Maybe we have known each other, but we don’t really talk. Maybe you are a stranger to me. Regardless, when we meet, it’s going to be a new introduction and a new chapter for us.

I can’t promise anything to you other than I will try at my best to keep our relationship going, and I hope you do the same thing. There will be time when I accidentally raise my voice when I talk to you, and when that happens, please remind me. Also, when I suddenly distance myself from you, it’s not because I hate you, but because I need to think and solve something. I will ask for help when I need help. 

My hope for you is that there won’t be infidelity between us. I want you to love and enjoy what you do for a living. I prefer genuine actions to sweet talking. Last but not least, I hope you place our relationship and/or family above any other activities.

If there is no such a perfect marriage/family relationship, I hope we have 99.9% perfect relationship.

From,

Your future wife 

Happy Married Life: what you/we need to know 

What does a happy married life look like? I ask because I witness unhappy married life and wonder if it is ever existed. If for some reason, there is no such 100% happy marriage, I would like to watch or see how 99% happy marriage looks like. 

According to Ashley Bush, a psychotherapist, “A happy marriage has two people who love each other very much and are committed to bringing out the best in each other.” For instance, if your partner is struggling with an issue at work, you listen to them, talk about the situation and ask how you can support them, she said. “You basically have each other’s back.”

Well, I don’t have real exact answer, but I found these 2 articles (see the links below), which sort of telling me the answer. I also learned a few of those tips as suggested by the two authors through my graduate-level courses. I think it all comes back to the couple. Maybe, this type of lesson should be introduced in the high school and review again in the college and premarital counseling. Therefore, people will think twice or perhaps 1000 times before committing in married life. 

Thank you for reading! 

Resource: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4823414

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/07/29/7-small-simple-habits-for-a-happy-marriage/